· Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
· Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
· Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”
· Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
· “You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did."
· I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
· It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff
· I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
· Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
· I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
· As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
· I thought getting old would take longer.
· I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
· Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
· My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.
· Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Gym Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up.”
· Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
· I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.